


Ways To Say Goodbye

by riotirwin



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Suicide, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-01-25 01:29:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1624364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riotirwin/pseuds/riotirwin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you say goodbye to the people you love the most?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. o n e

_**Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'** _   
  
_**~Bill Maher** _

**Louis**

**23rd July, 8:18pm, London hotel room.**   
  
_Four minutes. Four minutes until everyone finds out._   
  
_But I'll be gone by then._   
  
_It's too late._   
  
_No one can save me anymore._   
  
_I don't think I want to be saved anymore._   
  
_Because he doesn't know._   
  
_And he doesn't care._


	2. t w o

**_A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist._ **

**_~Stewart Alsop_ **

**The Fans**

**23rd July, 8:22pm, Radio broadcast.**   
  


_"This is a recording sent in seven minutes ago by none other than Louis Tomlinson, telling us to play it for you at 8:22pm exactly. So without further ado, here it is! Enjoy Guys!"_

_"Hi, Louis here. I just wanted to say thanks really._

_Thanks for loving and accepting me when it felt like no one else would._

_I know this is kinda random, but I don't think I say it enough, and without you I probably wouldn't even be alive today._

_You see, as a teen I had manic depression and tried to kill myself many times. Looking back on it, I'm not proud of things I did, but only because I failed. Mum always saved me before I could actually leave._

_It would have been less painful if I left when I tried all those years ago._

_You see, I'm in love with my best mate, Harry Styles, and he doesn't even know how I feel. I've always been too scared to tell him I guess, but I fucking love him, and he'll never know._

_When I first met Harry Styles, I legit thought I had seen an angel and ran to tell my mum what I had seen._

_Her instant reply was 'don't be silly, love. Angels don't exist on earth'._

_The next time I saw him, I thought I was hallucinating once again, until he opened his mouth. I swear to god as soon as I heard his voice I felt so self-conscious because it made no sense that one human being could be that flawless, and then when he sang... Wow, just wow._

_As soon as I heard him sing I asked my mum if we could just go home right then, because compared to a voice like that, I had absolutely no chance of getting through the auditions. Mum made me stay, and that was one of the best things she ever did for me, because I got put into a group with Harry._

_I got to know him and we became so close that people started to question our friendship, thinking that it was a relationship instead._

_I always laughed it off, pretending that I wasn't completely head over heels in love with my best mate. Everything was great, and I was fine with things, until a couple of years down the line and Harry started bringing random girls home every other night. I still shared a flat with him at this point, and had to pretend that I didn't cry myself to sleep every other night after locking myself in the bathroom with my headphones in my ears and a razor in my hands, trying to drown the sound of them out._

_To everyone else, I seemed perfectly happy, but someone saw through my act. Zayn Javadd Malik._

_He saw through my fake smiles and long sleeves and was there to comfort me when Harry came home with another fling._

_He is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. But it's not enough for me to stay._

_You see, after everything became too much and I had stopped eating, Zayn convinced me to talk to management and ask if I could come out._

_I told them that I was in love with my best friend and wanted to be able to tell the fans how I felt, and even if I couldn't tell them about Harry, I wanted to at least be openly gay._

_But management didn't like the idea of me being gay. They said we would lose album sales and the fans would hate me._

_I was fine with the loss of album sales but it was when they said that the fans would hate me that I lost it._

_I broke down there and then and sprinted out with tears streaming down my face into Zayn's waiting arms where he had a smile on his face._

_The first thing he said to me was 'how'd they take it' and I looked up at him and the smile slipped off of his face because he knew that they'd said that it was wrong. I told him about how they said the fans would hate me and he lost it too. He started swearing and threatened to go into that conference room and threaten to come out as 'gay' on live TV if they didn't allow me to come out._

_That's when they brought the contract out._

_They made me and Zayn sign it or they would chuck us out of the band and we would be banned from ever seeing the other lads again. As soon as they said that I looked over at Zayn and I saw it. I saw the fire that had gone out._

_We'd lost._

_We signed the contract in silence, neither of us wanting to look at the other out of complete shame._

_As soon as the contract was signed a pretty brunette was brought in and I was introduced to my new 'girlfriend'. As soon as management said the word 'girlfriend' I saw Zayn jump up from his seat, ready to shout and scream at them until he was blue in the face._

_I just looked up at him and shook my head._

_I'd given up._

_I sighed and stood up, introducing myself to my future 'girlfriend'. As soon as that was done management jumped in to let us know that they'd arranged a date for us the next day and a kiss was expected._

_I have never wanted to cry more than I did in that moment._

_They were trying to make me forget._

_I wasn't allowed to be myself._

_I was trapped._

_Things got steadily worse._

_I had to date Eleanor for the next two years until her contract ran out, and after that I was forced to go and 'hook up' with girls at clubs. Harry and I were never allowed to sit next to each other during interviews and they made me move out of our shared apartment and get a separate place to live._

_Management made sure that there was never a moment when we were alone together, and under no circumstances whatsoever was I allowed to tell him how I felt._

_Zayn watched me break more and more each day, the smile on my face becoming faker and faker with each interview, concert and signing._

_He moved in with me and got rid of all the razors lying around, making sure that I didn't hurt myself further. He shoved food down my throat when I wasn't eating and curled up in bed with me whenever I just needed a friend._

_And for a little bit, things got better._

_I smiled more and started to hang out with the boys more._

_Then we went on tour._

_I was around Harry every single day for weeks on end but still any conversations between us were kept to a minimum. Management made sure of that._

_They told me and Zayn that they had installed cameras around the tour bus and if I was caught talking to Harry for longer than two minutes it would be a breach of the contract and both Zayn and I were liable to restraining orders being filed against us._

_What made it so much harder was that Harry tried to talk to me about anything and everything, trying to redeem the friendship that had once been between us, and I had to turn him down every damn time, my heart breaking just that little bit more as I watched the look of complete and utter rejection every time I told him that I was 'busy'._

_I hated it, hated what they were doing to us, but if I broke the contract, then Zayn would be affected too, and I couldn't do that to him, not after everything he'd done for me. I didn't care if they kicked me out, I didn't even deserve to be here in the first place, but Zayn deserved it, and I wasn't going to be the person to end his dream way too early on._

_So I learnt to deal with it._

_For Zayn._

_My health started slipping again and things have got worse and worse._

_To Zayn I'm just a broken hearted boy but I know it's so much worse than that. I can feel it._

_He's still trying to save me but he doesn't see that I'm already lost._

_The voices are too loud, the scars too deep._

_I can't change, no matter how hard I try._

_I'm stuck here, this broken shell of a man, and nothing can change that._

_I don't want to be like this, but there's nothing I can do anymore._

_Nothing anyone can do anymore._

_I know that so many times I've called Larry a load of bullshit and how many of you have probably been offended by my words, but please remember that I never meant any of it. Whenever I looked through my mentions and saw how many of you still believed in Larry, even after all of the shit we put you through I felt just that little bit happier, that so many of you saw through the bullshit management was feeding you and understood how I felt._

_I can't even begin to explain how much that meant to me._

_But now, even that is not enough._

_I'm done hiding, and I know that I can't stay here anymore._

_I'm not enough, and you all deserve so much better._

_Whatever happens, know that I love each and every single one of you, and none of this is your fault. You're the reason I got through these past four years, but it's time for me to go now._

_Don't cry over what I'm about to do, but remember the memories I gave to you, and if you learn anything from my mistakes, learn that it is never ok to hide who you are, and every single person deserves for their voice to be heard._

_Don't fight, don't blame yourselves and help the other lads get through this. They need you now more than ever._

_I know first-hand what your love can do, so use it to fix the boys, for me._

_I'm off now. It's my time to leave and I'm ok with that. But whatever happens, remember that I love you and nothing will ever change that, no matter what bullshit anyone else says._

_Bye"_

As soon as the broadcast finished it seemed like the world stood still for a few seconds as a state of shock enveloped people everywhere.

People logged onto twitter to see if it was true, if the recording was real.

If Louis was actually going to kill himself.

There were so many trends, telling him not to kill himself, that people still loved him.

But he didn't reply.

There was one final tweet, sent out at 8:22pm, the exact time the broadcast began airing.

_@Louis_Tomlinson: I don't want to hide anymore. Remember that I love you all so, so much. I will never forget what you did for me, but it's time for me to go. #NeverForget_

Very soon, #NeverForget was trending worldwide, and everybody, no matter where they were from or what fandom they were part of showed their respect to a beautiful boy who was called Louis William Tomlinson.

They loved him, and they would never forget.

_Oh Louis, why did you have to do this?_


	3. t h r e e

_**No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.** _

_**~Steve Jobs** _

**Zayn**

**23rd July, 8:22pm, Louis and Zayn’s flat.**

   
 _“Zayn. My best mate, the only one who knew how I felt. I guess you’re sitting there wondering why I’m saying this on a tape and not in person, but I can’t face you._

_I can’t face anyone knowing what I’m about to do._

_There’s so much I have to tell you, and what I say is probably gonna hurt you, but remember it’s not your fault._

_I don’t want you, the best person I know, to cry for a lowlife like me._

_I don’t have to tell you the story of what happened, because you were there right next to me through the entire thing._

_You saved me so many times, and you didn’t even realise._

_You comforted me when Harry came back from some club somewhere ranting on about how the chick he just banged was ‘totally hot’. You stuck by me when management said I couldn’t tell anyone about how I felt and forced me to date Eleanor and you held me whilst I cried because the only person I truly loved was the one person I was forbidden from being with._

_You told me that I should screw whatever management thought and tell the world about me anyway, even if it meant that you lost your dream job and three of your best friends in the entire world._

_You always put me first, even when I didn’t deserve it._

_I tried so hard to stay strong for you but I can’t do it anymore Zaynie._

_As soon as we became a band you instantly knew something was up, and it was you who saw through my fake smiles whenever Harry came back with a new fling hanging desperately off his arm. You saw behind my mask and watched me break, and you did everything you could to stop it, and for so long you did._

_The reason I didn’t give up sooner was because you always gave me a reason to live._

_You would tell me stories about the boy you used to be, the one who got verbally and physically attacked for the colour of his skin and his religion, the one who never gave up, no matter how much he wanted to, because he knew that one day it would get better._

_And it did._

_Until you met me._

_Until you watched me break._

_Until you tried to save me._

_I think deep down you knew that it was impossible to save me, but you still tried, because that’s the kind of man you are; a man who does his best to make things better, even if it’s only for a day._

_And I love you for that._

_I remember when you came home to the apartment I was sharing with you and you were about to tell me about how Perrie had broken up with you, and I think you wanted me to be your shoulder to cry on for once. Instead you saw me in the bathroom; tears streaming down my face and massive gashes on my arms, and in that moment you forgot about Perrie and instead became my shoulder to cry on once again. We sat in that cold and empty bathroom and cried for hours, you with a broken man bundled in your arms and a broken heart in your chest because the girl you loved couldn’t love you back, and me, with my scarred arms and a scarred heart because the man I loved had no idea._

_Even though we were both completely broken, that moment made me feel whole, and all because there was someone who cared._

_Even though at the time I couldn’t understand why Perrie broke up with you, I understand why now, and it was my fault. You loved her and she loved you, but she was away from you too much._

_She was away from you because you were too busy looking after me._

_A broken idiot._

_You see, whilst you were trying to help me fix my problems, you completely forgot about your own. To this day I don’t forgive myself for what happened, and I hope one day you can learn to forgive me for being so completely ignorant about the amount of hurt that the one person who truly cared about me was going through._

_You don’t have to worry about me anymore._

_Look after yourself instead, and the other lads._

_They need you, now more than ever, even if they don't realise it._

_You always told me that I was the strongest person you knew for going through that heartbreak every day, but you were wrong. I’m so weak, and that’s why I’m giving up._

_I can’t take this anymore._

_I can’t deal with the pain of seeing Harry live his life and always being seen as a friend to him._

_You on the other hand are the best person anybody could hope to be. You set aside all of your troubles for your friend who ignored your problems, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express how completely grateful I am to you for that._

_Don’t worry about me anymore Zaynie, I’ll be free and looking down on you, caring for you like you did so many times for me._

_As long as you stay true to the person you are now, you’ll be fine._

_Don’t ever forget me, but remember the good times, never the bad. I want you to remember me as the boy who always smiled, and went around with his heart on his sleeve, loving the life that he had been given._

_Don’t remember the broken boy with scars on his arms and a forced smile on his face, because he doesn’t deserve to be remembered._

_Don’t worry about me, and be there for the others like you were there for me when I desperately needed you. Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself, not even for a second, and don’t give up like I did. You’re too strong for that._

_Even if Perrie still doesn’t forgive you, tell her that I’m sorry for stealing you away from her and that you’re the reason why I stayed for so long._

_Tell her you’re the best person I’ve ever known, and anybody would be lucky to have you._

_Take care of the boys for me. I know they’ll probably forget about me eventually but make sure that they’re alright._

_Tell that I don’t want to see any of them up here any time soon. They have so much to give to the world that I couldn’t._

_Tell them I love them, and don’t let them cry over me._

_I’m not worth their tears._

_Tell them that I’m sorry, and I hope that they can forgive me for what I’m about to do._

_I hope you can forgive me as well._

_Bye Zaynie, I love you."_

Zayn sat there in shock, unable to comprehend what he'd just heard.

Surely Louis couldn't be giving up now, could he?

How did he not see it?

Harry was falling in love with Louis too, that much was apparent to Zayn, and now they would never be together because Louis had made one stupid decision that he could never take back or change.

Zayn jumped up, tears streaming down his face as his tortured screams echoed through his apartment accompanied by the shattering of glass.

" _Why_? Goddamn it Louis,  _why_?"

Why couldn't he see that he was making a stupid mistake?

Why couldn't he see that Harry loved him back?

Why couldn't he see that Zayn couldn't help the boys, because the boys would never see each other again.

Louis' death would tear them apart.

With shaking hands Zayn picked up the phone and called the person at the top of his caller list.

_"H-hello?"_

"Liam?"

_"Oh my god Zayn did you get one too?"_

"Yeah."

_"Please tell me it's not true, and everything he said on that tape is a lie and he's still alive and this is just some awful dream that I'm going to wake up from."_

"I'm sorry, Li."

_"But - but he was happy. He loved Eleanor and she loved him, and that's why he was so sad wasn't it?"_

"No, it was because of Harry. It was all because of Harry"

_"But why now Zayn? Surely he knew that we would have accepted him, even if he did tell us."_

"He wanted to tell you so, so badly, but he was afraid of what management would do to me. Even when I told him to go ahead and tell you, he said no to save my career. Didn't even stop for one second to think about himself.  _Why did he have to leave Li_?"

_"I don't know, but why now? Why couldn't he see that Harry loved him too?"_

"Wait, what?"

_"Yeah, Harry loved Lou too. He was going to tell him as part of the band's anniversary celebration, but I guess that's not going to happen now."_

"When did this start?"

_"A couple of years ago, why?"_

Zayn dropped the phone in shock.

Harry had loved Louis all this time, but neither had done anything about it.

And now it was too late, because Louis had already gone

Zayn logged on to twitter for what felt like the first time in forever, and composed a simple tweet.

_@zaynmalik: now you all know the truth. #NeverForget_

And finally people began to understand just how broken Louis had been.

Finally, Zayn began to understand how broken Louis had been.

And he hated himself for not seeing it earlier.

He would have told the other boys, hell, he would have told the world about Louis if he thought that it would've saved him, but he couldn't.

And Louis would never see that after everything, Harry loved him too.

_Oh Louis, why did you have to leave?_


	4. Chapter 4

**_Suicide isn't cowardly. I'll tell you what is cowardly; treating people so badly that they want to end their lives._ **

**_~Ashley Purdey_ **

**Liam**

**23rd July, 8:22pm, Liam’s apartment.**

_**‘** _ _Liam, the kindest and most mature out of all of us._

_You’re probably wondering why a tape from me randomly appeared on your doorstep._

_Let me explain._

_I’m going to end this miserable existence that people think is a life, and I don’t care anymore, because I can see past the hate and hurt that is humanity._

_I don’t want to be here anymore._

_But I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you, because I do._

_You were like a brother to me. Even when you had no idea what was going on, you still sat with me and just let me cry, and that meant the world to me._

_The one thing you never knew was that I was in love with Harry._

_Still am, actually._

_I wanted so badly to tell you and the rest of the boys but management banned me from even speaking about being gay, to you and the rest of the boys._

_Zayn is the only person who knows the truth, and I guess that’s why we’re so close._

_He only knows because I told him before I asked management if I could come out._

_They said that even thinking of doing something like that was a stupid idea and if I told anyone they would kick both me and Zayn out of the band._

_I couldn’t do that to him, especially after everything he did for me._

_He saved me from myself so many times but I can’t hold on anymore._

_I’m done._

_I’m sorry for leaving you like this but I really don’t want to stay._

_Just tell the world the truth_ _._

_Tell that I loved my best mate, and because I was forced to hide, I ended it._

_They deserve to know that at least._

_They deserve to know why I’m doing what I am._

_And management can’t stop a dead person._

_Because that’s all I am._

_Dead._

_I’m a shell of the Louis that you met on the X Factor, and that’s not going to change. I’m done, because the one person I truly love can’t ever know._

_And that fucking hurts._

_I want to be able to hold his hand, hug him and talk to him freely, but I can’t._

_Because of management._

_If this is the only way for Harry to know how I feel, then that’s fine._

_Because a dying man sees all of the faults in humanity that an alive man can’t. He can see the cracks in society, and he doesn’t want to be part of the fucked up system._

_And neither do I._

_I’m sorry I can’t tell this to your face, but I don’t want to see the hurt and pain in your eyes._

_I don’t want you to break._

_No one deserves to break._

_No one apart from me, the pathetic lowlife who can’t even tell his best mate how he feels._

_I know that after hearing this your opinion on me will have changed drastically, but please remember me, and take my advice; don’t try to hide who you are, it’ll only kill you in the end._

_It killed me, after all._

_The boy who was once so full of smiles and laughs, and is now a broken soul._

_I’m telling you the honest to God truth, because out of all the boys, you’ll be the one who is able to handle this._

_If you want to tell them how it is, if you want to tell them the bubble gum version coated in sprinkles, then by all means, do so._

_I’m not going to be around to stop you._

_But I’ll be looking down from wherever the hell I end up and thinking ‘good on you, Liam James Payne’, because you did what you chose to do, not what someone else told you to do._

  _You did something that I was never brave enough_ _to do._

_I know you'll never be able to listen to my voice and hear me say this to your face, but I hope you'll remember how strong and brilliant you are, because you keep going._

_It's what you've always done._

_You stick to what you believe in, and god, you have no idea how many times I wished I could be as brave as you are._

_You let yourself be free and you love Niall because of it, and he loves you, and even if the world can't know, your best mates do._

_And you're together._

_That's why you're so great. You're the person who's been through so much and yet can still find it in himself to love a poor and pathetic bastard like me._

_A poor and pathetic bastard who can't tell the person he loves that he loves them, like you did._

_Please, help the other boys get through this, because you'll be the one to keep them together._

_You'll be a shoulder to cry on for Niall._

_You'll be someone who listens for Zayn._

_You'll be the person to tell Harry that I'm sorry._

_You've kept us together so far without even realising it._

_So fix them, for me._

_But also fix yourself._

_Because your life is worth so much more than you think._

_Keep going, for me._

_I know it isn't going to be easy, and I know there'll be times when you want to give up, like me, but be the better person._

_Don't let your demons control you._

_They don't deserve that kind of power._

_And don't for one second think that I have no clue what I'm on about because if there's one thing that I've become good at it's being able to tell if someone is being haunted by demons._

_Ignore them, because you're perfect._

_Kind of hypocritical for me to be saying that huh?_

_I let my demons control me and here I am telling you not to let them control you._

_It's because I care too much about you to want you to leave._

_It's not your time to go yet._

_It's mine._

_It's almost time for me to go but I want you to remember how much I love you, and please, save them, for me._

_Don't let them do anything stupid._

_I don't want to see any of you boys any time soon._

_You deserve to live._

_Hopefully my death will make the world stop and realise that we've all been hiing behind a mask, and maybe the fans will try and free you._

_I hope they do._

_I hope you and Niall can finally be together openly._

_It's the least I can do for you._

_I'm not afraid of dying, isn't that weird?_

_I'd rather die than stay here._

_Just goes to show how weak and pathetic I am._

_But that doesn't matter anymore._

_I'm brave enough to free the rest of you._

_I owe that to you at least._

_Goodnight, Liam James Payne, I love you.'_

"No, no, you idiot, why did you give up. Why did you fucking give up?"

As soon as the tape had finished Liam sunk to the floor screaming at the world because they'd let one of his best mates, his brothers, kill himself.

They'd let him go before Harry could tell him that he loved him.

"He loved you, you bastard, and he'll never be able to tell it to you because you've gone and fucking ended it."

Tears streamed down his face and he cried.

He cried tears of sorrow, because his best mate had killed himself.

He cried tears of anger, because the world was such a horrific and judgemental place.

He cried tears of gratefulness, because maybe now he and Niall could be free.

Just then his phone bagan to ring.

It was Zayn.

The person who knew the truth about Louis all along.

"H-hello?"

_"Liam?"_

"Oh my god Zayn did you get one too?"

_"Yeah."_

"Please tell me it's not true, and everything he said on that tape is a lie and he's still alive and this is just some awful dream that I'm going to wake up from."

_"I'm sorry, Li."_

"But - but he was happy. He loved Eleanor and she loved him, and that's why he was so sad wasn't it?"

_"No, it was because of Harry. It was all because of Harry"_

"But why now Zayn? Surely he knew that we would have accepted him, even if he did tell us."

_"He wanted to tell you so, so badly, but he was afraid of what management would do to me. Even when I told him to go ahead and tell you, he said no to save my career. Didn't even stop for one second to think about himself. Why did he have to leave Li?"_

"I don't know, but why now? Why couldn't he see that Harry loved him too?"

_"Wait, what?"_

"Yeah, Harry loved Lou too. He was going to tell him as part of the band's anniversary celebration, but I guess that's not going to happen now."

_"When did this start?"_

"A couple of years ago, why?"

It was then that Liam heard a bang coming from the other end of the phone.

"Zayn, mate, are you alright? Za-"

It was then that he realised why Zayn had dropped the phone.

It was around that time when Harry started to bring home random women.

It was around that time when Louis became quiet and reserved.

It was then that Louis broke.

And he didn't even realise.

It was then that Liam realised how truly terrible things had been for Louis.

He had to hide for years, watching Harry go on and on about the most recent woman he'd slept with whilst he broke inside, unable to tell anyone.

Because management had forbid it.

He could see it now, and it was so obvious.

Why couldn't he have seen it before?

He could have helped, he could have been there to support Louis through all of the shit he went through with management, through the times when he had to say that Larry was a load of bullshit when he was completely in love with his best friend.

He could have saved him.

But now it was too late.

Because he had given up and left them.

_Oh Louis, please come back, we need you._


	5. f i v e

**_Death is the tyrant of the imagination._ **

**_~Barry Cornwall_ **

**Niall**

**23rd July, 8:22pm, Niall's flat.**

_'Niall, the one who always smiles._

_Keep that beautiful smile on your face for the world to see._

_We need more beautiful things._

_That's why I'm leaving, I guess. I was kept away from the beautiful things and forced to live a life in the shadows._

_I don't want to live like that any more._

_Hell, I don't want to live at all._

_You see, whenever you asked me if I was alright, and I replied with a simple and halfhearted 'yeah', the answer the entire time was 'no I'm not fucking ok, I'm dying inside and nobody but Zayn can see'._

_I just wasn't allowed to actually say anything._

_Because of management._

_Because when I wanted to tell the world that I loved Harry Styles they shoved me so far into the closet that I couldn't even see the faintest glimmer of light or hope any more._

_That's what they did to me._

_They broke me._

_And no one could repair me._

_I'm done._

_I don't need saving anymore, because I can see the world for how it is._

_Someone once said that people who are happy only see their perception of the world, and people with depression can see the world for how it truly is._

_Well I can see the world for how it truly is._

_And I hate it._

_It's a shitty place full of homophobic pricks who don't give a fuck about anything besides money._

_And even though I know that there are beautiful people who care so much about everyone, even undeserving fags like myself, and you are one of those people, I don't want to live whilst horrible people are in control of my life._

_I wish that I could change what I'm about to do, for you._

_But I can't unsee what I've seen, and I can't remove the scars that people have inflicted upon me._

_They're too deep, too permanent for me to remove._

_But death gives people freedom, and I can say this without being afraid of Zayn being chucked out of the band._

_I'm gay, and I'm not ashamed of myself for it._

_I'm ashamed of myself because I let myself be beaten down and bruised until my spirit broke because of a bunch of prats who think that breaking someone is ok._

_Let me tell you, it's not._

_I hope that my death will give you and Liam some freedom to be who you are, because you don't deserve to be trapped, not like I was._

  _You deserve to be able to shout about your love from the top of your lungs, and I hope that you'll be able to._

_Don't ask management about it, just go out there and do it._

_Words can't be taken back once someone has heard them._

_But no one was allowed to hear my cry for help._

_I guess that's what this is, in a way._

_It's my cry for help._

_It's my way of saying that the pricks we call management are wrong._

_It's my way of letting the rest of you be who you want to be, without the constant fear of being hated and judged._

_It's my way of taking all of the blame and hate for being gay, so that you don't have to suffer through it._

_It's my way of saying sorry._

_Some fucked up way of saying sorry huh?_

_It's the best I can do._

_This recording is yours, and you can show whoever you want, tell whoever you want._

_I don't care._

_I'll be gone by then._

_As long as you promise to look after Liam._

_He may seem strong, but I still don't want him to break._

_I don't want any of you to break._

_Not like I did._

_Because when a person breaks, they can feel it in every inch of their being, but they can't stop it. It's like being posessed, because that person's body is no longer their own._

_They have to sit back and watch as they get destroyed, and they can't do anything about it._

_They have no control._

_They die inside before anyone even realises._

_And that's why they don't feel a thing when they leave for good._

_Because in their head, they left a long time ago._

_It just doesn't matter whether they stay or leave, because their mind left and they stopped feeling._

_They don't care anymore._

_There's nothing left but an empty shell._

_And that's what I've become._

_It's terrible and beautiful at the same time._

_Everything becomes predictable, and nothing can hurt you any more._

_Your life becomes nothing but a timeline that is so painfully obvious to you that you can tell when you're going to decide to end it all._

_You wake up, do something mundane, eat and sleep._

_That's life._

_And it made me go insane._

_I guess that's all I am now._

_Insane._

_Insane for killing myself._

_Insane for being gay._

_But nothing hurts a dead person._

_That's why I ended it I guess._

_Look at me. already talking about myself like I'm dead._

_Pathetic._

_That's what words make you._

_Pathetic._

_And I don't want you to end up like me._

_You need to stay alive._

_For the boys._

_You're breaking because of you and Liam, and you're scared, I get that. But don't give up, because Liam needs you. He's breaking too, and if you let go then he'll let go._

_The boys can cope without me, but they can't lose you guys too._

_You mean too much._

_You have so much life left to live, and you shouldn't let it go._

_Not because of me._

_I'm saying goodbye so that you can be free, so don't let me die in vain._

_Please._

_That's all I ask._

_I want to die, but I don't want to die without reason._

_I don't care if I'm forgotten, as long as the things I stood for are remembered._

_That's the important thing._

_Because, after all, life is a tiny, insignificant part of existence. One individual being alive won't change anything, or make anything better._

_It's when they choose to do something that existence is made better, not just for that person, but for so many others._

_That's what matters to me._

_Making an impact on other peoples' lives._

_Because they're the people who will be affected after I'm gone._

_I don't care if I'm accepted, if I'm hated or if I'm loved, because it won't matter to me._

_But it'll matter to you._

_Because you're the one who's left behind._

_And I want to make life easier for you in any way possible._

_After all, I'm the one making you say goodbye to me, even if you don't want to._

_I guess that's the problem._

_Pain and loss are the only unescapable emotions._

_You can run from happiness, love, joy._

_But you're forced to feel pain._

_And I'm sorry for being the one to force you to experince that._

_But I love you._

_And remember what I stood for._

_Because that's what matters._

_Goodnight, Niall. I'll miss you.'_

The blonde sat in shocked silence, a lone tear trickling down his cheek.

" _Louis..._ "

Louis couldn't have left, he wouldn't have.

He loved life too much to ever want to say goodbye.

Wherever he went he wore a smile, and was the supply of happiness to the rest of the boys, even during the darkest of times.

Only now did Niall realise that the smile was a practiced and precise smile designed to hide any lie, and it had worked so well.

Too well.

Because now Louis had left him, because he couldn't see past the fake and lifeless smile that coated his face.

He should've tried harder, should've been more persistent.

Should've known that it was all an act.

But he didn't.

Niall started to shake, viscious sobs racking his body as he realised that the life, the driving force behind One Direction had been entirely fake, a way to keep the boys going while Louis crumbled behind his painted mask.

And now he was gone.

"Louis, please come back, you can't do this to me..."

Niall's sobs became louder and louder as he realised that it was real, and in a few moments' time the entire world would know about this, and he would have to stand and watch as his best friend's cold, lifeless body got placed in a casket and buried underground, and he would never see that smile again.

The smile that had been painted and lifeless the entire time.

"LOUIS, COME BACK!"

By this point, Niall was screaming, clawing at the air and at himself, suffocating on the guilt.

He'd left.

"I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU, YOU BASTARD. I NEED YOU!"

But no matter how hard he cried, how loudly he screamed, Louis didn't come back.

He was actually gone.

He'd actually left them.

It wasn't a dream, it was real life.

And Niall hated it.

'Louis, please.'

His cries fell on deaf ears.

Because Louis had left.

Niall felt so lost, so hurt because Louis put up with so much shit, and then to make it better for the rest of them, he'd killed himself.

'IT'S YOUR FAULT!'

He screamed at the air, because no one was around to listen.

Niall wasn't even sure who he was blaming, whether it was management or Louis or him or the boys.

Louis had died because he was gay, and he didn't even get the opportunity to tell the world.

He died because he was hated for being gay, and it was the people who were meant to look after them and make them go far as a band.

They killed him.

But it wasn't just them, and Niall was realising that now.

Every single human being on the earth was to blame, because this planet was made up of people just like management, and if those people didn't exist, then Louis would have been able to tell Harry how he felt.

But he couldn't.

Niall began to understand why Louis ended it, because now he was discovering just how disgusting the human race was.

He knew that Louis told him to stay strong, but he could feel himself breaking.

He didn't want to have to say goodbye.

Not to Louis.

Not to the boy who went around with a smile on his face, brightening up everyone's lives, even if it was only for a second.

But that boy was gone a long time ago.

And Niall couldn't do anything about it.

_Louis, come back. I need you._


	6. Chapter 6

**_Death may be the greatest of all human blessings._ **

**_~Socrates_ **

**Harry**

**23rd July, 8:22pm, Harry's apartment.**

_'Harry, the boy I fell in love with._

_The boy I had to hide myself from._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry for not being there for you._

_I wanted to._

_I wanted to tell you everything that was going on with me._

_I wanted to tell you that I fell in love with you._

_But they forbade me from telling anyone._

_I was trapped inside my own body._

_But I don't want that anymore._

_I want to be free to love the person that I'm in love with._

_And that person is you._

_This is probably a shock, especially after I shunned you and blocked you out, but I never wanted to hurt you._

_They threatened me, said that if I told a soul about how I felt they'd kick both me and Zayn out of the band._

_I couldn't do that to him. Not after everything he'd done that for me._

_He was there for me when no one else could be, and he kept me alive for so long._

_But it's too much now._

_I have to tell the world how I feel, and if this is the way for me to do that then so be it._

_I don't care anymore._

_Death for me would be a blessing._

_Life is too painful for me to carry on like this. I love you too much, and seeing you coming home every night with a different girl breaks my heart._

_But if you're happy then I guess that's what matters._

_I know that we'd never be together, you're straight, and I'm your best friend._

_I'll never be anything else to you._

_And I can't deal with that._

_People say that you should be happy, because there's always someone who's going to be worse off than you._

_But there are certain things that no human can take._

_And one of those things is watching the person you love fade away._

_It broke me, because you thought that I didn't care._

_I cared so much._

_You just weren't allowed to know._

_But I'm about to die, and the words of a dead man are heard far more clearly than the words of a living person, especially when they die for a cause._

_This is my cause._

_People should be allowed to be who they are, love the person they want, and nothing and nobody should be allowed to dictate that._

_It's wrong, and I want to be able to change that._

_Maybe nobody will listen to my words, maybe everybody will stop and think._

_I don't know, but I hope that you get to be who you are, and love who you want to love._

_That's what everyone deserves, at least._

_I'm sorry I had to shut you out, but it was the only way._

_I saw how much it hurt you, and it took everything in me to stop myself from turning around and sprinting after you, screaming from the top of my lungs about how much I loved you._

_But I couldn't._

_Not if I ever wanted to see you again._

_I'm so sorry that I'm telling you all of this now, but this is my final cry for help._

_It's a cry for help for the people left standing._

_The people who have to stay strong when in truth they're breaking inside._

_People like the person I used to be._

_Maybe if I'd at least have been able to tell you how I felt, maybe things would've been easier._

_Maybe it would've given me a reason, maybe it wouldn't._

_Maybe you'd have loved me._

_Maybe you'd have hated me._

_But I'll never know, and I'll never ever see how you react to this tape._

_Because I'll be dead._

_Maybe you'll cry, maybe you won't._

_Maybe you'll blame me, maybe you'll blame someone else._

_I don't know._

_I just hope you're not disgusted with me, at least, not for me being gay._

_You can hate me for being weak and pathetic, but don't hate me for who I love._

_That's not the kind of person I fell in love with_

_I fell in love with an innocent, curly haired, dimpled, cheeky lad who worked in a bakery._

_He was so beautiful, inside and out._

_I don't know why I fell in love with him, but I did, and as soon as I realised that I was in love, I fell deeper and deeper._

_It was beautiful and tragic._

_Beautiful because I got to experience the type of love that few people ever feel._

_Tragic because you'll never know how I felt._

_At least, not until you hear this, and I'll be gone by the time you get a chance to do anything._

_That's just how it is, I guess._

_At least I won't have to see the look of disappointment and disgust on your face when you realise how much of a coward I am._

_Killing myself is probably the bravest thing I've ever done._

_Nothing to be proud of, huh?_

_I know you're probably going to hate me after hearing this, but remember that I love you._

_I'm killing myself because I love you, not because of you._

_Remember that._

_People find it so easy to blame themselves for other peoples' mistakes, so this is me telling you._

_It's not your fault._

_If you're going to blame anyone, blame me and management, and use the hate and anger and disgust to get yourself through my death._

_No one should cry over me, because I know it's my time to go, and it's what I want._

_Nobody can convince me to stay any more._

_Because I'm done._

_I know that once I made a promise to you that I would never leave you, but I have to._

_I made my mind up a long time ago, and now it's time for me to go._

_There's no point in staying if the person you love can't love you back._

_My heart broke every single day because I loved you so much, and I can't take it anymore._

_The pain stopped being bearable a long time ago, and I'm fine with saying goodbye, after all, I'll see you all again at some point._

_I just hope that it's at no point in the near future._

_I want you to live your life, and help the other boys live their lives too._

_Together you'll be stronger, and people will know that I said goodbye to save you._

_I said goodbye to free you._

_After all, freedom is the only thing you don't have._

_And it's the one thing I can give you that'll last._

_Everything else is breakable, but freedom stays._

_Freedom and bravery._

_So be brave, Harry Styles, and be free.'_

And with that, Louis' last words to Harry ended.

"Why did you leave me Louis?"

Harry sat on his sofa, and a blanket of shock settled over him.

"I didn't mean it..."

His mind replayed every single one of Louis' words to him, and he thought about how much Louis meant to him.

"I didn't mean any of it..."

He thought of the day he sat in management's office, Liam and Niall outside, unaware of what was going on as a contract was shoved into his hands, forcing him to hide his sexuality and his love for his best friend, Louis Tomlinson.

"They made me do it..."

He thought of all of the times when his heart had been broken because he thought that Louis was ignoring him, when Louis was in the exact same situation as himself - bound by a contract to hide who he truly was.

"Why did you leave?"

Harry mumbled under his breath, thinking about how it would've been so easy to tell Louis how he felt, and to screw what management thought, so that he could love the person that he wanted to love.

It would've saved them both from so much heartbreak.

And maybe Louis would still be alive.

Instead, both he and Louis had been forced to hide their love for one another, with Harry being stuck with the label of a 'player' and Louis being stuck in a long term relationship with someone who he had no feelings for.

It was tragic.

And Louis thought that he didn't care.

He thought that Harry would judge him for his sexuality.

He thought that Harry would hate him, when in reality that couldn't be further from the truth.

He loved Louis, and because of a bunch of homophobic pricks, he never got to tell him.

 _And now he's dead_.

Louis was dead and Harry was alone, because they'd let themselves be twisted and manipulated until they could hardly recognise themselves.

Harry was only ashamed that he wasn't as brave as Louis, and didn't kill himself earlier.

God knows he wanted to.

Instead he did nothing, content to sit on the sidelines and suffer, all the while thinking that Louis didn't love him.

If only he'd have known, he'd have said something, done something, spoken out.

_If only._

But it was too late now.

Too late to change anything, too late to fix things.

_Too late to fix himself._

Too late to say goodbye.

Little did Louis know that Harry needed him too.

The love he felt wasn't one sided.

And Louis would never know.

Because he thought he was doing the right thing in leaving everything else behind.

"Louis, come back..."

Harry's state of shock began to wear off, and all he felt was a deep, burning anger.

It was the kind of anger that Louis told him to use as fuel.

The kind of anger that was meant to save him.

But it didn't.

Because yes, he was angry at management, but he was also angry at himself.

He was doing what Louis had told him not to.

But he had to blame himself now that he knew everything.

He had to blame himself because if he'd have said something, Louis would still be there with that bright smile that Harry had fallen in love with.

But he wasn't.

Because Harry was too weak, too scared.

Louis thought that he was the coward, but in reality it was Harry who was the cowardly one.

Louis had the courage to end everything, and to tell his story to the entire world.

Harry couldn't even contemplate doing that.

He hated how much braver than himself Louis was, and yet he didn't see it, because he was too mad at himself for letting himself be controlled by management.

But in the end, he was the one who made a stand.

He was the one who endeavoured to make things better for the rest of them.

_Louis, come back._

_Oh Louis, I love you too._


	7. s e v e n

_**Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.** _

_**~Buddha** _

**Louis**

**23rd July, 8:22pm,** **London hotel room.**

_It's my time to go now._

_They know everything._

_It's done._

Louis made his way into the hotel bathroom, pills in hand.

He sent out one final tweet before he ended it.

_@Louis_Tomlinson: I don't want to hide anymore. Remember that I love you all so, so much. I will never forget what you did for me, but it's time for me to go. #NeverForget_

He watched as the replies came flooding in, everyone wondering what he was on about, but there was no reply from any of the boys.

Of course there wouldn't be.

They were never on twitter.

Just then, a text from Harry came through.

_From: Harry_

_Happy anniversary, Boo. Wish I was there with you and the rest of the boys. I miss you x_

_From: Louis_

_I miss you too Haz._

Little did Harry know how much that text meant.

Because it would be the last text Louis ever sent.

Louis walked into the bathroom, letter in hand, tears streaming down his face.

_This is for the boys._

_I have to do this._

_Everything will be ok in the end._

And with that Louis began to fill the bath after swallowing the pills in his hand.

There was no going back now.

The world was in the middle of hearing his story, and he didn't need much time.

He didn't have much time left, and he was ok with that.

He put the letter on the toilet lid, where he knew it would be seen.

He stripped down to his boxers and sat down in the bath, the pills already making him feel drowsy.

He watched as the water level in the bath tub rose, but he couldn't get out of the bath any more, not even if he tried.

He was too tired.

His eyes closed and he began to sink in to the water.

It wouldn't be long until his entire face was underwater.

It wouldn't be long until he stopped breathing.

It wouldn't be long until he died.

And Louis didn't care.

He could feel himself lose consciousness, and he was fine with it.

He knew he was going to die a long time ago.

_This is really happening, and I still don't want it to stop._

_Weird._

Louis had no regrets about what he was doing, hell, he thought he should have died earlier.

At least then he wouldn't have had to suffer for so long.

But it was happening now.

There was no going back.

_They can be free now, and Harry can finally know how I feel about him._

_I can let all of the hurt go._

_I'm free._

_Nothing can touch me now._

_I'm flying._

_If there's anyone out there, tell Harry I love him._

_Then I can die happy._

_That's all that matters._

_Harry, if you can hear me, I love you._


	8. e i g h t

**_Absence and death are the same - only that in death there is no suffering._ **

**_~Theodore Roosevelt_ **

**Harry**

**23rd July, 8:26pm, Harry's apartment.**

Harry's cries filled the air as his shaking hands picked up the phone to dial 999.

_"Hello, this is the emergency services. Which service do you require?"_

"I-I-I I n-need an a-ambulance. M-my friend, he's...he's going t-to k-kill h-h-himself. P-pl-please, h-help."

_"Can you tell us his location?"_

"N-n-no, b-but he...he n-n-needs h-help...p-please..help h-him."

_"Ok sir, can you tell us his name? That way we may be able to track down his location."_

"L-Louis T-T-Tomlinson. H-his n-n-name i-is Louis Tomlinson."

_"Thank you sir, we'll do our best to track him down and we'll get back you you as soon as we have information on his whereabouts."_

"Th-thank you."

The line went dead and Harry stared at the device in his hands, unmoving, silent.

It was then that he realised that this wasn't just a dream, it wasn't just some nightmare that he would wake up from.

It was real.

_Louis was going to kill himself._

Knocking at the door tore Harry from his thoughts.

"Harry, it's Niall, mate, are you in there?"

"Y-yes."

"Can you come open the door for me please?"

"Y-yes."

Harry slowly got to his feet, making his way to the door and opening it, his actions mechanical and robotic.

"Mate, are yo-"

As soon as Niall saw Harry he stopped talking and gathered the shaking, sobbing boy up into his arms.

"H-he l-l-loved m-me too."

"I know Haz. I know."

"I-it's m-my fault. I-I should've t-told h-him."

"Shh, it's not your fault. You know that."

"B-but-"

"No, Louis would've wanted you to be happy, he wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

" _But I can't help it._ "

With that Niall lost it too.

Neither needed to say any more.

Silence fell over the two of them, the only sounds were the heartbroken sobs of the boys as they surrounded themselves in pain and heartbreak for their lost band mate.

Until Harry's phone interrupted them.

_"Mr. Styles?"_

"Y-yeah."

_"We've been able to track down the location of Louis Tomlinson, and we can confirm he's staying at the Marriott County Hall hotel. A worker at the hotel heard the radio broadcast and went up to check on him. She called us as soon as she realised that he wasn't answering the door, almost immediately after you called. We've sent a team of paramedics and they should be arriving on site shortly."_

"T-thank y-y-you. C-can I go s-see h-him?"

_"I'm sorry, but we've been instructed not to let anyone near the site."_

"B-but I n-need to see h-him."

_"I'm sorry."_

And once again the line went dead.

"H-Harry, who was that?"

"I-it was the a-ambulance. Th-they've f-found L-Louis."

"Th-that's great then, i-isn't it?"

"W-we're n-n-not al-allowed t-to see h-him."

"W-well where is he?"

"Th-the M-Marriott C-County H-H-Hall."

"R-right. g-go get your car k-keys."

"W-what? Where a-are we going?"

"We're going to find Louis."

With that the two boys hopped up from where they were sat and Harry followed Niall out of the room, trailing behind him as they made their way to his car.

Almost immediately Niall took off, driving at least ten mph over the speed limit.

"N-Ni, d-do you th-think th-that L-Louis i-is actually still a-alive"

"I-I really don't know mate, b-but I really hope he is."

"M-me too."

And once again silence surrounded the boys as they swerved through the streets of London in search of their best friend who may or may not already be dead.

After a short drive they pulled up outside the hotel to see it surrounded by paramedics and police cars.

"Ni, Harry!"

Harry turned to see Liam and Zayn running towards him, tear stains running down their faces.

"Have they let you see him?"

"N-no. They s-said th-that no one w-was a-allowed t-to s-see h-h-him."

As he said that, a paramedic made his way over to where the four boys were standing.

"Are you boys Liam Payne, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan and Harry Styles?"

"Y-yes, w-why?"

"Please follow me."

The boys followed behind the paramedic as he lead them past the tape declaring the hotel a  _crime scene_.

They followed him as he walked past a distraught looking worker at the hotel and they followed him as he lead them up a flight of stairs.

They followed him as he lead them through a door that looked as though it had been ripped off at the hinges.

They followed him as he lead them into the bathroom.

It was then that they realised where they were.

The bathroom where he did it.

The bathroom where their best mate tried to kill himself.

"This was found on the toilet seat. It's addressed to you boys."

With shaking hands, Liam reached out and took the letter, unfolding it and reading it out loud for the rest of the boys to hear.

_For you boys, the boys who meant the world to me._

_It's been a while since I've been able to talk to you freely, but don't worry._

_I've told you my story, and now you know what I went through._

_But you'll go through worse._

_I'm sorry._

_But it's my time to go now._

_I'll wait for you._

_And maybe one day, I'll see you again._

_I hope so._

_I have forever ahead of me._

_But you have your little infinities here on earth._

_Make the most of those little infinities._

_One day, when you look back over your life, you'll realise how much they mean to a person._

_They meant so much to me._

_I just never realised._

_And I never made the most out of them._

_But you can._

_And I wouldn't have it any other way._

_Love, Louis xx_

"Louis..."

The letter fluttered to the floor as Liam's fingers went limp.

"Louis, why..."

The paramedic left the room as the boys' silence consumed everything.

It was real.

Louis had tried to kill himself.

And they had no idea if he's managed to leave them or not.

As a wave of realisation swept over them, they almost spontaneously fell to the floor, their legs giving out, their hearts breaking just that little more.

But none was taking it worse than Harry.

He shrank into a ball, rocking back and forth with his hands covering his ears, as if he were trying to block the world out.

As if he were trying to block his best mate's death out.

"LOUIS!"

Harry screamed out at the top of his lungs, as if Louis could still hear him.

"LOUIS, COME BACK!"

"H-Harry, shh...he's gone."

"NO, HE HASN'T LEFT. HE PROMISED HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME!"

"Harry..."

"LOUIS, DON'T LEAVE ME! Don't leave me..."

None of the boys had the heart to tell Harry that Louis had broken his promise.

None of the boys had the heart to tell Harry that Louis had left them.

They just sat there, curled up into tiny balls, as if they could protect themselves from the hurt and damage that they were feeling.

Suddenly, Harry jumped to his feet, muttering  _'Louis'_ over and over again under his breath.

The other boys tried to stop him, but before they could react he had left the bathroom, tear stained letter in hand.

Harry ran out of the door that looked as though it had been ripped off at the hinges.

He sprinted down a flight of stairs and ran past a distraught looking worker at the hotel.

He sprinted over to where a figure on the floor was covered by a white sheet.

The figure of Louis Tomlinson.

He tore through the throngs of people surrounding the body and he finally collapsed to the ground.

As Harry sat on the cold ground, tears ripping through his tormented body, voices swarmed around him like insects.

"Sir?"

"Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave."

"Sir, you can't be here."

"Sir, this man stands a better chance of surviving if you let us take him to hospital."

"Sir."

"SHUT UP!"

Harry cried out above the monotonous statements made by paramedics.

Harry wouldn't leave.

He couldn't leave.

Louis needed him.

Harry ripped off the white sheet covering Louis' body and began desperately clinging on to Louis' shoulders, ignoring the fact that Louis was shirtless.

"Louis, come back to me... _please_."

He sobbed uncontrollably into the unmoving chest of Louis William Tomlinson until the warm arms of his fellow band mates surrounded him.

"Harry, it's time to go."

"Harry, mate, you've got to let them help Louis."

"Harry, let go of him."

Harry felt himself being dragged backwards and away from the unconscious body of his best friend, lying still, cold and unmoving on the ground.

He watched as Louis' body got put into the back of an ambulance, watched as the love of his life got further and further away.

"Louis, come back to me."

"Louis, please."

"LOUIS!!"

But Louis couldn't hear his cries.

_Louis, please don't do this._

_Oh Louis, please don't give up now._


	9. n i n e

_**No evil can happen to a good man, either in life or after death.** _

_**~Plato** _

**Louis**

**23rd July, 8:47pm, London Royal Infirmary.**

Louis woke up from the dreamlike state in which he had been, opening his eyes to a sea of white.

_It's so peaceful here, what is this place?_

The beeping in his ears had finally stopped, slowing down until it suddenly stopped.

_What am I doing here?_

_"Louis?"_

A voice echoed all around him, whispering his name.

_"Louis?"_

_"H-Harry, what are you doing here?"_

_"I'm not really here, silly. I'm still on earth, waiting for you to wake up."_

_"W-what happened?"_

_"You tried to kill yourself Louis."_

_"B-but why?"_

Suddenly the voices changed.

_'I'm done hiding, and I know that I can't stay here anymore.'_

_'_ _I can’t face anyone knowing what I’m about to do.'_

_'_ _I'd rather die than stay here.'_

_'_ _But nothing hurts a dead person.'_

_'_ _Death for me would be a blessing.'_

_"You said goodbye, but are you really ready to leave?"  
_

_"I...I think so, why?"_

_"Because this is what you'd be leaving behind."_

Louis felt himself being dragged backwards, and suddenly, he was in a hospital waiting room, watching as his fellow bandmates paced nervously, tears streaming down their faces.

_"W-what is this?"_

_"This is what you've left behind. They think that you're currently in a critical condition and they're waiting to hear news on your situation. What they don't know is that you were pronounced dead three minutes ago. A doctor will come out in a minute to tell them."_

Louis focused on the scene taking place in front of him, and focused in on the conversation.

"-not your fault, he loved you and would want you to be happy."

"B-but you don't u-understand. I-I loved him a-and I never told him a-and n-now he's dying."

"Harry, it'll be fine."

"No, it won't. I'll never get to tell him and it's my fault. Why did I listen to management?!"

"You had no choice, and Louis could still live."

"But what if he doesn't...what if he doesn't..."

With that silence once again fell over the room.

A doctor came into the room, just as the invisible Harry had predicted.

Immediately the boys jumped up, wanting to know if they would ever see Louis again.

"What happened?"

"Is he ok?"

"Did he make it?"

"Can we see him?"

The boys looked expectantly at the doctor, who in turn drew in a shuddery breath.

"Louis William Tomlinson was pronounced dead at eight fourty four pm. We couldn't save him. I'm sorry for your loss."

"YOU'RE NOT SORRY! YOU LET HIM DIE"

"We did everything we could. I'm sorry"

With that, the doctor turned on his heel and left them, Harry's cries echoing around the room whilst the rest of the boys tried to comfort him.

"I'm sure they tried to save him."

"He's in a better place now."

"He'd want you to be strong, for him."

"BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I LOVED HIM!"

"And now you have to let him go."

"But I don't want to let him go...I love him..."

_"Does...does he really love me?"_

_"He's always loved you, he just couldn't tell you."_

A single tear slid down Louis' face.

Why did he leave them?

_"Can...can I go back?"_

_"It's too late. You're already legally dead, and have been since you came here. There is one way you can go back down there though."_

_"What is it, I'd do anything...please...I have to tell Harry I love him."_

_"You can go back, and I can give you a month, except you won't be you, and only Harry will be able to see you. Once that month is over you'll be dead forever, and as you'd be tied to Harry you'd be stuck here until he dies, watching others like you pass through onto the other side."_

_"I'll...I'll do it...as long as I can see Harry again."_

_"One month. That's all you'll have. Goodbye, Louis Tomlinson, and good luck."_

The whiteness began to fade around Louis until it formed a hospital room.

His hospital room.

He saw his dead body, covered in a white sheet, one hand hanging limply off the side.

It was all real.

He was dead.

_I never meant for it to go this far._

_I never meant to hurt him._

Louis followed the doctors as they wheeled his body away and out of the view of other patients, until he stumbled upon a place that looked familiar.

It was the place from his dream.

The place where Harry and the rest of the boys were.

He walked in and saw Harry being comforted by the rest of the boys.

"Harry?"

Harry looked up, trying to find the source of the voice.

"Harry, it's me."

"L-Louis? Louis w-what?"

"I came back, silly."

"B-but you died. Th-they said so."

"I know, but I came back to see you."

The other boys looked up, trying to see who Harry was speaking to.

"Harry, Louis isn't there. He's dead, remember."

"B-but I can see him...he's right there."

Harry pointed towards the space where Louis was stood.

"Harry, there's no one there."

"But...he's there."

"No, Harry, he's gone."

"I can't let him go yet though..."

"Come on Haz, it's time to go now."

"Haz, I'm real. You have to trust me."

"N-no...y-you can't be real...y-you d-died. Th-they said s-so. Y-you're n-not r-real."

"Harry, please..."

"YOU'RE NOT REAL! STOP IT, PLEASE. LOUIS IS DEAD!"

"Harry..."

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

With that, Harry shuffled away from Louis, a look of terror on his face.

"Harry, it's ok. We're going to take you home and then we're going to have a cup of tea and you can look through the old video diaries. It'll help, yeah?"

With that the boys dragged a motionless Harry out of the hospital.

Louis looked after them, a sad smile covering his face.

"You're not insane Haz, I'm really here. I couldn't leave you."

With that Louis walked out of the hospital, following the boys as they made their way to their car.

"You're not insane, I promise, but maybe I am."

Louis watched as the car made it's way further and further into the distance, undoubtedly going to Harry's house, where they would call management and Simon, and let them know that he hadn't survived.

Almost immediately the funeral would be planned, and people would mourn for a little bit, before everything would return to normal and Louis William Tomlinson would become nothing but a shadow in their memories.

"Maybe I shouldn't have come back..."

Louis muttered to himself.

After all, Harry wouldn't believe that he was still alive.

Harry wouldn't believe that his dead best friend came back to say goodbye to him.

And even if Harry believed him, the rest of the world wouldn't.

Harry would be rejected and shunned, deemed insane because he could see his dead band mate.

And only Louis would know the truth.

Louis walked away from the hospital, with no idea where he was going.

He just wanted to get away.

And he couldn't see Harry.

Louis kept on walking, through throngs of people, through streets and shops and parks, not caring where he was going.

Until his feet stopped.

Until he looked up.

Until he saw where he was.

He was standing outside of the building where he first met Harry.

He wandered inside, not paying attention to the people flooding the venue.

_This was where it all started._

He made his way over to the spot where he first met Harry and just stood there, ignoring the crowds of people and getting lost in his memories.

He remembered a time when he was truly happy, and nothing else mattered to him.

He remembered a time when he was alive, and life was worth living.

He remembered a time when he was free.

_Why couldn't things stay as they were?_

_Why did everything change?_

_Why did they have to grow up?_


	10. t e n

**_While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die._ **

**_~Leonardo da_  Vinci**

**Harry**

**23rd July, 8:58pm, Harry's apartment.**

dead [ded]

adjective, dead·er, dead·est

1\. no longer living; deprived of life; dead flowers; dead animals.

_Dead people._

Dead Louis.

Because that's all he was now.

Dead.

Harry didn't believe it until the doctor came and announced it to him, after all, how could he?

His 'best friend', the person who always wore a smile on his face.

He was dead.

Because Harry was an idiot.

But Harry wished more than anything that he could see Louis again, see him smile once more.

Hell, he was already hallucinating, seeing Louis again as he would be if he was still alive.

But only now did he realise that was all they were.

Hallucinations.

Because Louis was dead.

The doctor said so.

His band mates said so.

There was no way that Louis could be alive.

Not after what he did.

He was gone.

And he wasn't coming back.

_God I miss him._

He wished more  than anything that the last few hours were nothing but a dream, that Louis was still alive and breathing.

But Harry wasn't waking up.

Because it wasn't a dream.

Louis had gone.

Tears started once again to stream down his face, silent tears, so that nobody would notice.

He curled up on the sofa, watching their old videos.

Watching Louis smile again.

None of the boys paid any attention to Harry, each of them caught up in their own little world.

A world without Louis.

And none of them actually got to say goodbye.

They treated him like they always had, like Louis was fine and like there was nothing wrong.

Louis had to spend his last days alive pretending.

He had to carry on wearing the fake mask that he'd spent the last few years wearing.

It never stopped.

Until Louis was finally brave enough to end it.

To end everything.

_Why wasn't I brave enough to say goodbye? Louis may still be here if I'd been braver._

The tears continued to trickle down his cheeks as he sat there, still watching the screen.

Still watching Louis.

Harry had never before experienced true loss, and only then did he realise just how much he hated it.

Death wasn't about 'remembering all of the good times'.

It was about remembering the person in their entirety.

And Harry swore that he would, because Louis deserved that, at least.

His best friend, who gave his life for his friends' freedom.

He deserved to be remembered as the boy who cared so much that he sacrificed himself.

He was so much more than what the world got to see.

Harry made his way upstairs, to the room that used to be Louis'.

The room that used to be full of life but was cold and desolate now.

It was exactly as Louis had left it, as Harry had never had the courage to clean it out.

He was glad he didn't.

Because part of Louis still lived in this room.

In the clothes that were still strewn about on the floor.

In the unmade bed.

In the diary that Louis had forgotten to take with him.

Harry took out the diary, opening it up to the most recent date.

Only then did he realise what the bookmark was.

A razor.

Covered in Louis' blood.

Only then did Harry realise just how much Louis had been hurting.

And Harry had been too stupid to realise.

_I could have saved him._

Harry knew that Louis wasn't ok, even in the years leading up to his death, but he didn't think it was this bad.

He didn't realise that Louis had been self harming, even when they had lived together.

And now it was too late to do anything about it.

Because Louis was dead.

Harry thought back to what he had seen in the hospital.

He thought back to his hallucination.

He thought back to the smile that the hallucination wore.

A smile he never got to see on the real Louis' face.

And that was the worst thing of all.

Because he never saw the real thing.

He couldn't see past the lies.

He was blind to everything apart from himself.

He left Louis when he needed him.

He didn't deserve to live.

Not when Louis was dead.

Harry wished that he could turn back time, he wished that he could tell Louis that everything was going to be ok, and that he loved him back.

But it was too late to do that.

And nobody could turn back time.

Louis was dead.

And only now did Harry realise just how long Louis had been dead for.

He'd died long before he actually killed himself.

He died the first time he took out the razor and pressed it against his skin.

He died the first time management forbid him from telling the world about how he felt.

He died when he was forced to hide.

And he died so that no one else had to hide.

He died so that they could live.

And that was what hurt the most.

Because Harry died right alongside Louis.

He died the first time he took out the razor and pressed it against his skin.

He died the first time management forbid him from telling the world about how he felt.

He died when he was forced to hide.

But he would never kill himself.

Not now.

Not after what Louis told him.

It was the only thing keeping him alive.

_Ironic, huh? The only thing keeping me alive is a dead man._

But the dead man gave Harry something to live for.

The dead man gave Harry freedom.

And that was the greatest gift that anyone, alive or dead, could have given him.

Because Harry could be himself.

He wouldn't be restricted by the image that was portrayed.

He wouldn't be judged and hated for how he was.

He would finally be the person he'd always wanted to be.

He could be Harry Edward Styles, the boy in love with his best mate, Louis William Tomlinson.

He could be accepted for who he loved, and not have the image of a player forced upon him.

He could just be Harry, the boy who loved a dead man.

_Oh Louis, why did you have to die?_


	11. e l e v e n

**_This is slavery, not to speak one's thoughts._ **

**_~Euripides_ **

**Niall**

**23rd July, 9:01pm, Harry's apartment.**

It was obvious to Niall that Harry was in a bad way.

Whilst the rest of the boys were watching the old video diaries, Harry just sat there, curled up in a ball, lost in his own little world.

A world where Louis was still alive.

Niall and the rest of the boys watched the videos, a montage of Louis' life flashing before their eyes.

The boys were all remembering a time when Louis was truly happy.

Niall could see it now.

He could see where Louis' smile became fake.

How did he not notice it before?

His smile remained the same, but his  _eyes_ , that was what gave it away.

The brightness, the  _life_  that was once there.

It  _left._

The blue that was once so bright.

It faded.

And Louis faded with it.

Looking back at the old video diaries, Niall could see how  _alive_ Louis was.

How freely he laughed.

How open he was.

_Why did he have to leave?_

Niall looked at Liam, who was sat next to him on the sofa.

_He left for us._

Niall felt responsible for Louis' death, all because Louis died to free them.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair on any of them.

Least of all Harry.

How did Louis not realise that Harry loved him too?

Niall reached out blindly, linking his fingers with Liam's.

He needed to know he was there.

He needed to know he wouldn't leave.

Not like Louis.

Niall wouldn't be able to survive if anything happened to Liam.

He looked over to Harry, to the broken shell that sat on the sofa opposite him.

He wanted to be able to help, but he had no clue how to.

He'd lost a best friend, and that was hard enough.

Harry had lost the boy he was in love with.

Niall squeezed Liam's hand, needing to remind himself that he was still there.

Liam looked over at him and mouthed ' _You ok?'_

Niall only shook his head in reply.

Liam drew Niall into his chest and placed a kiss on his forehead.

"We'll be fine, just you see."

"But what if we aren't?"

Neither of them said anything else.

Nothing else needed to be said.

Louis' death shrouded them, hiding them from reality.

It hid them whilst they broke under the pressure.

It crushed them.

But it built them back up too.

Because Louis wouldn't want them to cry.

So they all put a fake smile on their face, hoping that someone believed that it was real.

But they were surrounded by other people who were suffering.

They were surrounded by other people wearing the same fake smile.

But none of them said anything.

Becaus those fake smiles were holding everything together.

They were holding Harry together.

And they couldn't let him break.

Not yet.

Louis wanted him to stay and live his life out.

Louis wanted him to smile.

But Louis couldn't see how completely broken Harry was.

The video diaries ran on in the background, but no one was paying attention to them any more.

Liam bent his down and whispered into Niall's ear that he would stay with Harry for the night.

But Niall didn't want Liam to stay with Harry.

Niall needed Liam too.

Niall was breaking too.

But Niall also knew that Zayn wouldn't be able to face Harry.

Not now.

Not so soon after his best friend had died.

And that meant that Liam would have to stay.

Niall sighed in resignation and nodded.

Liam once again pressed a gentle kiss to Niall's forehead and Niall snuggled closer into his chest.

Niall looked at Zayn, who was sat alone, tears streaming down his face as he intently watched Louis on the TV screen.

_"I'm Louis the Tommo Tomlinson!"_

Louis stared back at them, a shit eating grin covering his face.

_What went wrong?_

Niall turned away from Zayn and focused once again on Harry.

Only Harry wasn't there any more.

"Liam. did you see where Harry went?"

"No, but I'll go look for him, just to check he's ok."

"It's ok, you're looking after him tonight. I'll find him."

With that, Niall got up from where he was curled up on Liam's lap and made his way upstairs.

"Harry?"

"I-in h-here."

"Harry, are you ok?"

"N-no."

Niall found Harry in Louis' old room, curled up on Louis' old bed.

"H-he's really gone."

"I know Harry."

"He promised he'd n-never leave m-me."

"It was his time to go."

Harry didn't reply, only cried harder and snuggled further into the blankets.

Niall sighed and joined Harry on the bed, taking him in his arms and comforting him whilst the younger boy cried.

"He still loves you, no matter where he is."

"But he'll never know that I-I love him t-too."

"I'm sure he does, and he loves you all the more for loving him."

"Why can't he come back?"

"I bet he wants to, but something's stopping him."

"D-do you think it is possible for him to come back?"

Niall was confused by this question, but answered none the less.

"I think anything is possible, no matter how improbable. If Louis wants to come back, then he'll come back, even if it's only for a minute, and even if it's only in your mind."

Harry nodded and shifted so that he could see Niall's face properly.

"I-I think I saw him today. In the hospital. He told me that he came back to see me."

With that he turned back away from Niall, indicating that he was done with the conversation.

How could Louis have come back?

He was dead.

Niall only said that it was possible to try and help Harry.

He didn't realise that Harry had already seen Louis.

A frown graced the blonde's brow as he pondered over what Harry had said.

It couldn't be possible.

Louis had died.

And no one else could see him.

It was just Harry.

The boy who loved Louis more than anyone else on the planet.

_We all thought that we were stopping Harry from breaking, but what if it's too late?_

_What if he's already snapped._

Niall felt Harry's breathing even out and carefully slid his arm out from under the younger boy before getting up and heading back downstairs.

Liam looked up expectantly as he walked back into the living room.

The video diaries still played on the TV, but had become nothing more than background noise.

 _'No good'_  Niall mouthed at Liam.

Liam's brow furrowed as he indicated for Niall to elaborate.

Niall only shook his head and subtly nodded in Zayn's direction.

The latter was still curled up on the sofa, with tears still streaming down his face.

Liam nodded in understanding and got up from the sofa and walked into the kitchen, indicating for Niall to follow him.

"What's wrong?"

"He thinks he saw Louis."

"What?"

"In the hospital, when he was screaming at something. He was screaming at Louis. I don't think he believed that Louis was real, but then he asked me if I thought that the dead could come back."

"What did you say?"

"I said it was possible."

"Niall, you shouldn't have said that. He's already pretty messed up."

"I know, but I didn't realise that he'd already 'seen' him. I thought he was just asking and hoping that he'd be able to see Louis again."

"It's ok, we can get him help. We'll fix this."

With that, Liam drew Niall into a hug.

"We'll fix him."

Niall hadn't realised that he'd started crying until he noticed the wetness staining Liam's shirt.

He quickly drew back and wiped his eyes.

"I just don't want to lose anyone else."

"We'll be fine. I promise."

With that Liam kissed Niall's forehead and exited the kitchen.

He stopped half way between the kitchen and the living room.

"You may want to head off, and take Zayn with you. He doesn't need to be alone tonight."

Niall nodded and went over to the chair in which Zayn was curled up.

"Zayn, mate, I'm heading off now and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?"

Zayn nodded and slowly got up from his chair.

"Do you want to stay round mine?"

Once again he nodded and followed Niall out to where his car was parked.

"I just wish it wasn't him, y'know?"

"Yeah."

"He didn't deserve it."

The car was filled with silence, the only sounds were that of the engine as they sped through the streets of London.

"It'll get better, I promise."

"But what if it doesn't?"

That question was left looming over the boys' heads as they made their way into Niall's apartment.

_What if it doesn't get better?_

_Oh Louis, if only you could see what a mess we've become._


	12. t w e l v e

**_This is slavery, not to speak one's thoughts._ **

**_~Euripides_ **

**Niall**

**23rd July, 9:01pm, Harry's apartment.**

It was obvious to Niall that Harry was in a bad way.

Whilst the rest of the boys were watching the old video diaries, Harry just sat there, curled up in a ball, lost in his own little world.

A world where Louis was still alive.

Niall and the rest of the boys watched the videos, a montage of Louis' life flashing before their eyes.

The boys were all remembering a time when Louis was truly happy.

Niall could see it now.

He could see where Louis' smile became fake.

How did he not notice it before?

His smile remained the same, but his  _eyes_ , that was what gave it away.

The brightness, the  _life_  that was once there.

It  _left._

The blue that was once so bright.

It faded.

And Louis faded with it.

Looking back at the old video diaries, Niall could see how  _alive_ Louis was.

How freely he laughed.

How open he was.

_Why did he have to leave?_

Niall looked at Liam, who was sat next to him on the sofa.

_He left for us._

Niall felt responsible for Louis' death, all because Louis died to free them.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair on any of them.

Least of all Harry.

How did Louis not realise that Harry loved him too?

Niall reached out blindly, linking his fingers with Liam's.

He needed to know he was there.

He needed to know he wouldn't leave.

Not like Louis.

Niall wouldn't be able to survive if anything happened to Liam.

He looked over to Harry, to the broken shell that sat on the sofa opposite him.

He wanted to be able to help, but he had no clue how to.

He'd lost a best friend, and that was hard enough.

Harry had lost the boy he was in love with.

Niall squeezed Liam's hand, needing to remind himself that he was still there.

Liam looked over at him and mouthed ' _You ok?'_

Niall only shook his head in reply.

Liam drew Niall into his chest and placed a kiss on his forehead.

"We'll be fine, just you see."

"But what if we aren't?"

Neither of them said anything else.

Nothing else needed to be said.

Louis' death shrouded them, hiding them from reality.

It hid them whilst they broke under the pressure.

It crushed them.

But it built them back up too.

Because Louis wouldn't want them to cry.

So they all put a fake smile on their face, hoping that someone believed that it was real.

But they were surrounded by other people who were suffering.

They were surrounded by other people wearing the same fake smile.

But none of them said anything.

Becaus those fake smiles were holding everything together.

They were holding Harry together.

And they couldn't let him break.

Not yet.

Louis wanted him to stay and live his life out.

Louis wanted him to smile.

But Louis couldn't see how completely broken Harry was.

The video diaries ran on in the background, but no one was paying attention to them any more.

Liam bent his down and whispered into Niall's ear that he would stay with Harry for the night.

But Niall didn't want Liam to stay with Harry.

Niall needed Liam too.

Niall was breaking too.

But Niall also knew that Zayn wouldn't be able to face Harry.

Not now.

Not so soon after his best friend had died.

And that meant that Liam would have to stay.

Niall sighed in resignation and nodded.

Liam once again pressed a gentle kiss to Niall's forehead and Niall snuggled closer into his chest.

Niall looked at Zayn, who was sat alone, tears streaming down his face as he intently watched Louis on the TV screen.

_"I'm Louis the Tommo Tomlinson!"_

Louis stared back at them, a shit eating grin covering his face.

_What went wrong?_

Niall turned away from Zayn and focused once again on Harry.

Only Harry wasn't there any more.

"Liam. did you see where Harry went?"

"No, but I'll go look for him, just to check he's ok."

"It's ok, you're looking after him tonight. I'll find him."

With that, Niall got up from where he was curled up on Liam's lap and made his way upstairs.

"Harry?"

"I-in h-here."

"Harry, are you ok?"

"N-no."

Niall found Harry in Louis' old room, curled up on Louis' old bed.

"H-he's really gone."

"I know Harry."

"He promised he'd n-never leave m-me."

"It was his time to go."

Harry didn't reply, only cried harder and snuggled further into the blankets.

Niall sighed and joined Harry on the bed, taking him in his arms and comforting him whilst the younger boy cried.

"He still loves you, no matter where he is."

"But he'll never know that I-I love him t-too."

"I'm sure he does, and he loves you all the more for loving him."

"Why can't he come back?"

"I bet he wants to, but something's stopping him."

"D-do you think it is possible for him to come back?"

Niall was confused by this question, but answered none the less.

"I think anything is possible, no matter how improbable. If Louis wants to come back, then he'll come back, even if it's only for a minute, and even if it's only in your mind."

Harry nodded and shifted so that he could see Niall's face properly.

"I-I think I saw him today. In the hospital. He told me that he came back to see me."

With that he turned back away from Niall, indicating that he was done with the conversation.

How could Louis have come back?

He was dead.

Niall only said that it was possible to try and help Harry.

He didn't realise that Harry had already seen Louis.

A frown graced the blonde's brow as he pondered over what Harry had said.

It couldn't be possible.

Louis had died.

And no one else could see him.

It was just Harry.

The boy who loved Louis more than anyone else on the planet.

_We all thought that we were stopping Harry from breaking, but what if it's too late?_

_What if he's already snapped._

Niall felt Harry's breathing even out and carefully slid his arm out from under the younger boy before getting up and heading back downstairs.

Liam looked up expectantly as he walked back into the living room.

The video diaries still played on the TV, but had become nothing more than background noise.

 _'No good'_  Niall mouthed at Liam.

Liam's brow furrowed as he indicated for Niall to elaborate.

Niall only shook his head and subtly nodded in Zayn's direction.

The latter was still curled up on the sofa, with tears still streaming down his face.

Liam nodded in understanding and got up from the sofa and walked into the kitchen, indicating for Niall to follow him.

"What's wrong?"

"He thinks he saw Louis."

"What?"

"In the hospital, when he was screaming at something. He was screaming at Louis. I don't think he believed that Louis was real, but then he asked me if I thought that the dead could come back."

"What did you say?"

"I said it was possible."

"Niall, you shouldn't have said that. He's already pretty messed up."

"I know, but I didn't realise that he'd already 'seen' him. I thought he was just asking and hoping that he'd be able to see Louis again."

"It's ok, we can get him help. We'll fix this."

With that, Liam drew Niall into a hug.

"We'll fix him."

Niall hadn't realised that he'd started crying until he noticed the wetness staining Liam's shirt.

He quickly drew back and wiped his eyes.

"I just don't want to lose anyone else."

"We'll be fine. I promise."

With that Liam kissed Niall's forehead and exited the kitchen.

He stopped half way between the kitchen and the living room.

"You may want to head off, and take Zayn with you. He doesn't need to be alone tonight."

Niall nodded and went over to the chair in which Zayn was curled up.

"Zayn, mate, I'm heading off now and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?"

Zayn nodded and slowly got up from his chair.

"Do you want to stay round mine?"

Once again he nodded and followed Niall out to where his car was parked.

"I just wish it wasn't him, y'know?"

"Yeah."

"He didn't deserve it."

The car was filled with silence, the only sounds were that of the engine as they sped through the streets of London.

"It'll get better, I promise."

"But what if it doesn't?"

That question was left looming over the boys' heads as they made their way into Niall's apartment.

_What if it doesn't get better?_

_Oh Louis, if only you could see what a mess we've become._


End file.
